11/18/12--Sunday--Day 36--T-12 Days--Waiting is the Hardest Part
Wow, focus continues to be a struggle. As long as I stay busy and basically ignore the issue, I seem to do ok, but with every passing day, my focus is harder and harder to maintain. Perhaps it is because I feel completely out of control. It's strange. It's not like any of us really know exactly what tomorrow will bring, but I guess we plan and assume everything will be as it is today, or as we plan for it to be anyway. So we live in the false sense of security that things will be as we predict them to be. Then, all of a sudden, you can't predict the future. You can guess. You can assume. You can think positively. But until you know, you long to know. I guess that's what it was like when we were all kids waiting for Christmas. You knew what you put on your list to Santa. You hoped you would get it. You anxiously awaited that day that you could tear open the box where the most desired toy of the season would be and you could finally play with it. But until that day came, you just didn't know.
It is still 12 days away from surgery, then probably another five before I get the pathology results. I keep thinking positively that everything is going to be ok, yet I don't know that it is. I feel completely out of control because I don't know what December and January and February are going to look like. I can't predict them. Will I be lucky and just have DCIS and have the lump successfully removed then do radiation in January and February and all will be well? I want to think that will be the case, but you just don't know. I think I had convinced myself that was going to be the scenario and undoubtedly that was exactly what was going to happen. Well, that changed the other night when my friend Heidi's mother's results came back differently. Then I realized, it could happen. All my positive thinking, believing, planning could be wrong. Then I just wanted the waiting to be over. I just want to know what is growing inside of me, and what is it going to take to get it to stop.
Today sermon in church focused on seasons in our life and the scripture from Ecclesiastes 3:1 which says, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven." It's easy to forget how nothing lasts forever--how certain events or time periods in our life really are just seasons. Sometimes we get caught up in everyday living and think it's going to be this way forever. I remember when I first had Preston. About twenty-four days in, I went outside with Greg and just started crying. I wondered how I was ever going to do this. How was I going to be able to survive getting up two and three times every night from now on. I was so caught up in the moment, I didn't realize this stage would pass quickly--too quickly--and that I would miss those middle of the night cuddle sessions. When I had Brooklyn, I had more foresight and cherished every midnight wakeup cry because I knew it wouldn't last. I could predict it would end.
So maybe I am so overwhelmed because all of my familiar seasons seem to have ended or changed all at the same time. And now I'm in a new and unfamiliar season and I just don't know what to expect. The season of having a mother to turn to when no one else will understand is over for me. Yet now I feel I need my mom more than ever. The season of having kids live at home keeping the house busy and our lives filled with familiar routines ended. Yet now I could use the distractions that brought more than ever. Of course I thought I knew which season was coming. It was supposed to be the empty-nester, foot-loose and fancy free, celebration of finally having time for me season. But that's not what came. What season is this? Right now it feels like that eerie calm before the storm where you can't go anywhere or do anything until the storm comes and passes. All you can do is wait and sometimes that just seems like the hardest part.
Susan... I'm all caught up on your blogging. I so think I could have written you a better program to blog with. Hopefully the blogging will be a short term project as we kick the heck out of this problem.
ReplyDeleteI so remember being in Orlando in June-- thinking it was a Wednesday night before leaving on Saturday. I remember you saying that things would calm down and that the both of us would start enjoying the empty nest experience. Moments later, you got a call that your mom was in the hospital and was not doing well. To see you fly off was hard. I was left with the kids and I was just wanting to leave Orlando. But, like always, we do what is best for the kids and I hung in there for us.
So it seems that getting through your mom's death, getting through losing Brooklyn to college, things would get better, but they didn't. Every time we start seeing a weekend alone to just chill, something keeps us on the road. Inside of you, you have this amazing ability to always help others even when you are needing help. So when you say that you are running up to take your dad KFC, I'm so amazed that you have an ability to care for others when you yourself are hurting. I probably am just realizing that through 30 years of marriage, you have probably been doing the same thing for me all those year, caring for me more than caring for yourself. Then you got to throw the kids in there. Geesh! How much time did you put into that?
Anyways, the cancer definitely through us for a loop. Just when things are looking like they will slow down, it really got out of control. But we will deal with it and succeed at it. For 30 years, we have succeeded at every thing that was thrown at us. Even though we are opposites, we do work well together and meet in the middle.
As I get older with you, I know that I'm getting more difficult, but I'll make adjustments and figure things out. I will do everything I can to support you. We've got great friends and they will step in if I fail for a bit. I don't want to admit it, but I'm affected by this too. I hate it. We don't deserver it. We should be in Australia right now and not having to deal with this.
I am staying positive. Surgery will be easy. Loss of some breast tissue is nothing. It's just the dang wait on the pathology report after the surgery. I think that moment will be the toughest, or maybe the best, moment.
I love you. I will be there for you. I will try harder and harder every day to be better for you. Just hang in there with me.
I am not going to re-read this post. I just wanted to blurt some things out.
Going to hit the publish button.
Greg
I hope the two of you realize what special people you are. Greg you couldn't have said it any better Susan has always had that gift to help others, never putting herself first.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being such positive role models, as parents, as husband and wife and as friends in so many people's lives, to include mine.
Susan,
ReplyDeleteI just found out about the cancer and the blog. I've read all your posts tonight. Thank you so much for sharing. Thank you for being so honest about the journey. I wish I had known about it sooner so I could be there for you.
We talked in October about the control thing. We falsely think we are in control of events in our lives until we find out we have very little control. It is scary.
I think I want to encourage you to enjoy each and every minute. It is difficult to live in the moment. We are planners, always looking ahead, but we need to learn to live in the moment, enjoying each moment. Enjoy your moments.
Be kind to yourself. Don't be so hard on YOU. Know that you are not responsible for this. What did you say - it just happened. But use it. It is YOUR time. Time to take care of yourself and not everyone else. Time to enjoy being with Greg, growing your relationship, making the next 50 years of marriage better than the first 30. (Wow, 30 already, time does fly.)
It is good you have so many people to help, encourage, and strengthen you right now. I'm glad you have them.
I have been praying for you, your dad, and Sharon since July. I will add this to my prayers as I pray for you.
My favorite verse I pray for you: "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." John 14:27. And also, "I am with you always."
I look forward to hearing about all the great blessings that are coming your way.
Love,
Mary :)