A Stir of Emotions........

11/21/12--Wednesday--Day 39--T-Minus 9 Days--The Good, The Bad, and The Emotional Chaos
Well you would think I was already on the Tamoxifen and going through menopause the way my emotions have been these last few days.  After my last blog post, I actually woke up feeling relaxed and more at ease.  I decided I just needed to stop, take a breath, and quit being so anxious.  The surgery and the results will come when they come, and it is completely out of my controls so STOP TRYING TO CONTROL IT, SUSAN!

My dad called.  He read my post and reflected on how the different seasons of our life put a new perspective on things, even for him.  I felt good.  While I am Blogging right now to relieve my stress and anxiety, it was nice to know someone was following along and, most importantly, could gleam something for themselves from reading my thoughts.  By the way, I have discovered posting a comment from a mobil device (phone or iPad) doesn't work so thanks to those of you who have tried.  I am OK with receiving personal messages on FB or e-mails.  I do appreciate the interaction and kind thoughts.

It is interesting how little pieces of wisdom can sink into my brain and redirect my emotions.  I have learned so much already and I am only 39 days into my journey.  Many of my lessons have come from learning about people--some good and some bad.  I have come to realize there are those who truly support me, without judgement, no matter how big or small my emotions become.  No matter how busy they are, no matter how complicated their life might be, they have time to show compassion for what I am going through and they genuinely care.  It doesn't matter if they would handle things the same way I do or differently, they are just there to support me.  It has been so nice to truly feel the love that these people have poured out and the positive energy I have received.  Much of the energy comes from little things they say.  I have received supporting cards, flowers and even gifts, all which have brightened my day and kept me positive.

A dear friend who has obviously been reading my blog posts sent me a card the other day.  The kind words of encouragement and support warmed my heart, but the copy of a page from a book they inserted took my breath away.  After going to bed anxious the previous night, here is what was at the top of this page: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippains 4:6-7.  The page explained the passage even more describing how "anxiety can keep us thinking obsessively about a problem, occupying all of our time and energy.  We pray for God to interveen... but still we are consumed with it...Our anxiety comes from a false sense of control."  But, we have to be willing "for God to work it out any way He chooses.  Let go of your will, and let your heart and your mind be at peace."  Wow, powerful statements that are certainly easy to say and even type, but sure are hard to live by.  But as I read that page, I believe the Holy Spirit inspired my friend to send that to me at just the right time, and it was something I needed to hear, and I need to keep repeating to myself.

Friends like this have been powerful forces in a time when my mind and emotions have been stirring inside like a crazy tornado touching down here and there when it's least expected.  There are so many ups and down.  I'm good, I'm ok, all is fine, then boom, my heart stirs and I get scared, feel guilty like I caused this whole thing somehow, feel like I'm making way too much out of this.  I keep a good face on for everyone.  Seems like I need to support them and make them all believe I am fine.  Sometimes I feel judged so I just feel like staying quiet, even though I wish I could talk to someone who wouldn't judge me on if I was "handling things right" or "making too much out of this" or if I should or shouldn't be feeling one way or another.

People who know me know I am an analyzer, so it's no surprise that I'm analyzing the heck out of everything that is happening to me right now.  Some people mistake my analyzing for worrying. It's not.  It's just who I am.  I am also someone who is very in tune with the energy people put off.  I know, now I'm sounding a little nutty, but really.  I have always been able to "feel" people, even when I don't want to.  So those few people who truly bring negative energy have been a big challenge for me right now.  I am not into self-pity, but all I can think is that after this crazy, tragic year, my emotional immunity is just weak.  Right now, negative energy is so magnified, so blown out of proportion, it engulfs me.  One person told me of a friend who had cancer who refused to be around anyone who said negative things because she felt the same way.  She simply started to walk away.

On a different take, maybe my emotions are also welling up inside because it is the night before Thanksgiving, a night I would usually spend on the phone with my mom as I made my stuffing and prepared my turkey.  I miss her so much.  I wish she was here to go through this with me because I could and would talk to her about all these crazy mixed up feeling, and for whatever reason, I would just feel better.  Tomorrow will be our first Thanksgiving without her.  It's been four months.  I keep telling myself that having her in heaven fighting this battle for me is much more powerful than if she was here, but I still miss her.  Friday is Greg's birthday and Saturday is my dad's birthday.  Though there is so much sadness without her here, for the next few days I am going to be surrounded by family who all support each other, all help each other, and are all truly amazing.

On Monday I have my pre-op appointment, then three days of work, and the surgery on
Friday--FINALLY.  I just want what feels like a ticking time bomb out of me.  So anyways, that's my crazy emotional roller coaster right now.  Thanks to those of you who continue to follow my posts and share this journey with me.  I definitely don't feel like I'm walking alone even with my crazy, mixed up stir of emotions!