Wow, it seems like forever ago in some ways, and just like yesterday in others. As I reflect on these past two year of my recovery from treatment, and my journey in learning to live again, I find myself sad I had to fight cancer, but also actually grateful for the learning opportunities cancer has brought into my life. I can't believe how much more I appreciate life. It's like the world slowed down, and all my senses became hypersensitive. There are fewer things that upset me or make me angry because honestly, by comparison, there just isn't anything out there that makes it worth wasting even a day being upset. I do feel sad when I see people being mean, harboring hatred, and holding anger. They just don't get how we are all here doing the best we can with the current vision we have. Don't judge--give people a break. I appreciate the experiences I can share with others, and the deep compassion I have for others, but especially for those facing health challenges. I cherish family and friendships more than ever now because I can clearly see which relationships in my life were genuine and who couldn't handle facing tough times with me. I continue to hold dear those who stood by me, endured the worst with me, and now continue to hang in there to support me as I adjust to how cancer has changed me as a person. Those relationships I will treasure forever. Those are friends for a lifetime.
It has been a journey of rebuilding since my last treatment, two years ago today. It’s amazing to have hair again and to not worry about how it looks or if it's just perfect, because it is fabulous that it's just there and growing! For the first year Greg measured how much my hair grew by how many times he could twist it around his finger. An interesting part of hair is it truly is a timeline of your life. Last night, I cut off another two inches of chemo hair. I think I have about two more inches left before it's all gone. How do I know it's chemo hair here two years later? It's the part of my hair that is still curly while the newer hair is straight, and it is so damaged and dry it feels like hay when it is wet. Oh, and how I appreciate eyebrows and eyelashes so much more. When I posted some pictures on Facebook from Apache Lake, Facebook brought up previous posts from that location, some from June 2013. Wow, what a shocker! There I was in the boat at the lake as bald and hairless as could be--no hair, no eyelashes, no eyebrows. It definitely made me appreciate my messy, windblown, lake water hair at that moment!
January of 2014 started my year of trying to “return to normal”. I began to live life to the fullest, staying as busy as possible, traveling every weekend, accomplishing goals like completing 5K’s, taking trips to places I’ve never been, saying “yes” to whimsical, spontaneous adventures. It was like all my time lines in life went into fast forward. I was doing anything and everything determined to make up for the year and a half cancer stole from me--determined to return to my “pre-cancer” life--determined to “live” as much as possible just in case cancer came back. I was trying to run "back to" my life.
And, after almost a year of doing everything I could squeeze in, I’ve realized several things.
- First, my “pre-cancer life” is actually gone forever. But honestly, that’s not such a bad thing. That life is gone because I’ve changed physically, emotionally, and mentally. And while I wish the physical changes hadn’t happened, emotionally and mentally, I’m a better person now because of cancer.
- Second, I'm so very proud of this journey I’ve taken--we’ve taken together. With the help of my loved ones, I have stayed strong, and grown strong, stayed brave, and found courage, stayed faithful, and found trust. I’ll hold on to this strength and cherish what I’ve gained from cancer forever. I hope I always appreciate the gifts I have found from this horrible trial in my life, stay strong, and inspire others.
- Finally, I’ve realized even though learning to live with the aftereffects of cancer has been SO hard, it's SO much better than dying from cancer. Despite the bone aches and the weight gain from the Tamoxifen, the lymphedema in my arm and the swelling in my legs from the lymph nodes being removed, the numbness constant in my feet, no matter what physical obstacles I now live with, or the aches and pains that are part of my new body, I AM ALIVE and I WILL LIVE. There are so many who fight cancer and lose their battle--some physically leave this world, and some mentally never get over being sick. So I fight the aches with my new standing desk at work to keep from getting too stiff, and I accept the weight gain focusing on eating as healthy as I can, and I put my swollen feet up each night glad I am still here to walk, and, while it was sad, I gave away my dozens of high heels in exchange for flat, cushioned shoes that help me walk without falling. See, in spite of everything cancer took from me, it also made me stronger, more creative, more appreciative, and more faithful and I'm so proud of who I am BECAUSE of cancer. I’m also so appreciative of all of my family and friends that came through this with me and remain in my life today. Life is too short not to cherish every relationship we have and appreciate what they truly means. Life is too short for judgement, anger and hatred.
Next week will be my two year follow-up appointments. I'll spend the day at MD Anderson Cancer Center doing labs, scans, tests, and seeing my extended family of doctors and nurses. Am I nervous going back in for my checkups? Absolutely. I think some gnawing nervousness will always be in the back of my mind, scared I might have to face this battle again. But that is just part of this new life, and after the fear will come the relief and celebration that I am one more year down the road as a survivor.
So, now, two years after my treatment, three years after my diagnosis and the absolute worst years of my life, I’m here, finally brave enough to make a followup blog post. During my cancer journey, this blog was a life-saver. It helped me survive, reflect, share, teach, learn, appreciate, and stay positive. As my treatments came to an end and the celebrations began, I became afraid of making a final blog post. Down deep inside, I was scared my journey wasn’t really over. I was waiting until I could get “back to normal”, back to my “pre-cancer life” so I could be sure this was all truly over. But now, as a two-year survivor, I’ve realized this was never really about being over or being back to normal. It was a journey in my life that, with the help and support of family and friends, I survived, I grew from, and from which I became a better person.
I have lost some valuable pieces of my life because of how cancer has affected me. For these losses I am sad. I will never get those people or things back. But I have also learned to live life more fully, appreciate life and people more deeply, and spent my time truly living, not just letting day after day pass by. Thank you...thank you to my friends, my family, my doctors, and to God for the opportunities surviving cancer has given me. It is because of you I will always TRUST. Live Long--Live Strong! Life is SO good.
Sunshine & Smiles . . . . . Susan
