How Can We Tell Them.........

11/3/12--Saturday Evening--Day 21--The First Announcement
Our plan was to practice on Paul and Diane.  If we were going to tell the kids in the morning, we had better start by practicing telling someone.  We had told Mike and Suzie as well as Trina after returning from the doctor's office the night before, but they had been going through each step with us.  Plus, we had told them over the phone.  This would be our first "announcement" of the C word in person.  We figured Diane was a nurse and an incredible listener.  She has always been a source of comfort for both of us.  Plus, maybe she could shed some light on all of this.

When we were finally alone after dinner, we sat in their van and I started.  I took an upbeat approach with a good tone of voice and after a short introduction of how we valued them as friends, I said it for the first time. "On Friday afternoon I was diagnosed with breast cancer."  I'll never forget the shock on their faces and the sudden sadness that filled their eyes.  It broke my heart, but I wanted to reassure them that it was going to be fine.  That I was going to be fine.  I made a joke out of the possibility of losing my hair so I could wear different colored wigs and Greg could decide if he liked blondes, redheads, or brunettes better.  They smiled and the mood lightened a bit.  I continued to say humorous comments pretending I was good with this and convinced I was going to beat this.  The more I said it, the more I started to believe it myself.  Toward the end of our conversation, I became a little teary eyed and hiding behind that strong wall was getting harder.  They were starting to see through it.  They knew us too well.  When it was over, I told them we had to practice on them and they laughed.  But really, it made a huge difference.  I learned not to talk about it too long; I learned to keep it upbeat and a little humorous; I learned they took their cues from my attitude.  I was so glad I practiced on them.

11/4/12--Sunday--Day 22--Spreading the News
Trina had helped us plan a time to get Brooklyn on Facetime Sunday morning.  She was in Idaho, but I didn't want her to feel alone or be alone when we told her.  It was important to us that we told both kids at the same time.  We didn't want either of them to feel alienated.  We would make sure Trina was with Brookie, and Yuri, Preston's girlfriend, was at the apartment so when we left, he wouldn't be alone.  Telling the kids was the hardest thing yet.  While I tried to keep it upbeat, I couldn't stop some of the tears from escaping.  They both took it very well.  I know they were in shock.  They were going to need some time to let that one sink in.  Brooklyn's voice quivered and squeaked a bit, but she held it together.  Preston stood silent beside me the whole time holding my hand.  His eyes watered, but he stayed strong.  I was so proud of both of them.  We had raised them to be strong, and they were strong.

I was so relieved after telling the kids.  It was like a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders.  And, it had gone better than I expected.  We headed to Cottonwood to tell my dad next.  I was worried about how to tell him we were coming without making him suspicious that bad news was headed his way.  First I texted to see if he was home.  Yes.  I decided to tell him we were bringing KFC up for lunch since his chicken place closed.  He said okay.  Hmmm, was he suspicious?  Had he realized I was lying to him the other day?

As we drove the hour and a half to Cottonwood, I kept thinking how sad I was to be delivering this bag of bad news to people.  2012 had not been a good year, and here I was adding to everyone's sorrow, especially my dad's.  I wondered how I going to tell my dad.  Losing my mom in July has been so hard on him.  I had been his rock since then, and now his rock was going to turn mushy.

When we pulled up to his house, I took a deep breath, put on my normal Susan smile, and walked in like nothing was wrong.  Then I began avoiding.  We ate lunch and talked around eight different subjects.  I knew our time was short.  It was already afternoon.  I had planned to call my sister and aunts while at my dad's before heading back down to Phoenix to tell my grandmother.  Greg was anxious and worried about time.  I still had a lot of bad news to spread.  I needed to get it out.  I finally took another deep breath and told him we needed to talk about something.  I said the words quickly this time and stumbled right into the next sentence, almost as if that would leave no room for a tear.  I saw the disappointment on his face so I immediately started reassuring him.  I told him I was going to be okay and that I knew mom was my guardian angel up there fighting for me.

I felt like I was getting better at this.  With each announcement, each conversation, all the bad things didn't seem as bad.  Cancer, chemo, radiation, mastectomy, losing my hair, it all seems to be sinking in as almost acceptable now.  Talking about it was helping.  Telling the story over and over was making it better for me.  We Facetimed with my Aunt Rita in California, my mother's sister.  We called my sister. We called my Aunt Mary, my dad's sister in Mesa.  The story was taking less and less time to tell.  Each listener was encouraged by my upbeat approach, and sadness and scariness gave way to hopefulness and faith by the end of each conversation.

One more stop before heading home.  We had to tell my grandma.  My grandma is my inspiration.  She is 99 years old and amazing.  She lives in Mesa with my Aunt Mary and looks and acts more like a 75 year old.  She was recently diagnosed with cancer and has been taking radiation for a few weeks now but you would never know it.  She has shown little side effects and her attitude has continued to be perky as ever.  We drove back down to Mesa and went inside the house.  My words were almost well-rehearsed at this point.  After having some dessert, something grandma's always insist on, I shared my news.  While tears filled her eyes, she told me she knew I would be ok and I would get through this.  I knew, for the first time so far, she was right.  I would.  And I would use her strength as my inspiration.

We were home after nine, but it was done.  All of the people I really needed to tell in person were told. Now I just had to face the announcement at work tomorrow.