The Diagnosis......

11/2/12--Friday--Day 20--The Diagnosis
3:15 pm  Greg asked if I wanted him to come pick me up.  I told him no.  I would come home.  How was I going to get out of there?  I texted Charlene and told her the results, "It's cancer."  She immediately texted back, "What kind?"  I looked at my page on the computer, "Ductal Carcinoma In Situ" I typed.  She immediately sent me the names of the two doctors with whom she wanted me to call and get an appointment.  "How do I start? Who do I call first?"  She explained that I needed to call the cancer center and make appointments with first the surgeon then the breast oncologist.  I was so confused.  Why would I be calling a surgeon first?  Why two doctors?  I felt so lost.  What now.  I texted my doctor and asked if there was any way Greg and I could go to her office and see her.  She texted back, of course and told me to come down after 5.

3:30 pm I hadn't shared any of this with very many people, but a few select friends had been waiting for the results.  Mike and Suzie had known since I first scheduled the mammogram.  I texted Mike, "Just got my result's.  It's cancer."  Oh my gosh.  Had I just sent that?   I copied it and pasted it to Paula.  Send.  I pasted it to Susie Case.  Send.  I pasted it to Wanda. Send.  What was I doing?  Stop.  You can't just tell people you have cancer in a text message.  I had to get out of there.  I scooted out of my office telling my secretary I had an important call come in and I had to leave to take care of some business.  I avoided eye contact and hoped she didn't realize I was upset.

On the drive home I called Trina, my best friend in Idaho.  I choked up again and could barely say it, "It's cancer.  I have breast cancer."  She cried with me on the short drive home.  I couldn't really do anything else.  When I walked in the door at home, Greg met me and hugged me.  "I can't believe it.  It doesn't make sense," he said.  We went into the living room and collapsed on the couch in disbelief.  We sat there in a crazy, disbelieving, shocked state not having any idea what this meant, what to do from here.

5:00 pm We drove to the clinic and went inside.  I visited with the receptionist like nothing was wrong.  Greg sat in silence.  They took us in to the exam room and the doctor came in shortly.  She hugged me and welled up with tears.  We have known our doctor since Greg's mom was alive.  She lived across the street back in 1998.  She watched our kids grow up.  She hugged Greg.  She pulled out a copy of the report and started going over it word by word and explaining each part of it.  The reality was really setting in.  "Yes, I'm 100% sure you will have surgery.  And I'll be highly concerned if you aren't in surgery by the end of next week," she said.  What?  Are you kidding?  Hang on a minute.  Shouldn't I see a cancer doctor first?  We haven't even discussed all the different options!  Then we began to realize, there aren't different options.  I had a horrible, wretched, destructive poison in my body that had to come out.  Right away.  First thing.  No waiting.  Then there was going to be radiation and chemotherapy.  Really?  You mean I'm going to have to have surgery, then still have those horrible things?  Oh my gosh.  This is bad.  Really, really bad.

7:00 pm  Our doctor spend and hour and a half with us.  We cried together.  She explained the steps--what was going to happen next.  She helped us understand the urgency.  She felt my lump.  It had become hard.  And it had grown.  How had it grown?  It had barely been three weeks.  But it had.  And I knew it had.  It was now the length of my finger and ran from the areola straight up at the 12 o'clock position.  Then it was no longer a J, but more like an L with the leg of it running from my areola toward my armpit about the length from my nail to my nuckle.  It had definitely grown.  We left her office after it was dark.  We had a much better understanding of what was coming next, but were still in complete shock.  We sat in the car in the parking lot for another 30 minutes.  We just couldn't move.  How were we going to do this?