36 Hours to Chemo Week One..............

1/29/13--Tuesday--Day 108--Learning How to Get Well

I'm about 36 hours out from receiving my first chemotherapy treatment.  I'm trying not to let it get to my head--the idea of poisons going into my body.  At least it seems like it will be quick, only an hour or so.  Again, the unknown is more intimidating so I'm sure once I go through the process, make that dreaded trip to the third floor, the infusion floor, it will get easier.

I'm not sure how easy accessing my port will be.  I know they accessed it while I was in the hospital a few days after surgery moving my IV from my arm to the port.  I was pretty out of it so I don't really remember when they did it.  When I left the hospital, they gave me a numbing cream to put on my port an hour prior to going in to the lab.  I wonder if that means it is painful when they access it?

Recovery continues to be progressing, but slowly.  Last Tuesday and Wednesday I was so sore and so tired of being so sore and I hurt so much that I was just completely frustrated.  After Thursday, I seemed to turn the corner.  Once the drain tube came out, my mobility improved a ton.  I could shower by myself and even blow dry my hair.  I am now getting out of the recliners and out of bed without assistance.  Greg still gives me shots, but other than that, I am back to being independent, other than needing help lifting anything.  I still have odd fever spikes.  On Sunday afternoon I went for my walk--thank goodness Greg and my dad decided to go that time--and got super sick before I returned home.  Hanging on to Greg, I made it home, but the fever immediately climbed from 99.9 to 102.5 again.  It stayed there for 7 hours, despite meds, and finally broke and didn't return.  That twice this crazy fever has shown up and disappeared.

So once I started feeling better last Thursday and Friday, I began thinking maybe I would go back to work a couple of hours this week.  Friday I walked twice, one and a half miles the first time and another mile later on.  While it hurts, I felt okay.  Saturday brought rain.  I didn't want to miss my walk, so I asked my dad to take me to Wal-mart where we could walk and get a few groceries.  Hmmm, Wal-mart on Saturday in a small town--what was I thinking?  I saw so many people who were so glad to see me up and about.  It was super nice, BUT, before I knew it, I started sweating and my ears started ringing and I felt just awful.  I had to go sit up front while my dad checked us out.  At that point it dawned on me that it isn't the distance, it's the time. In Wal-mart, I was up walking and talking for 1.5 hours.  When I walk, I'm only out 30 to 45 minutes.  And that's when I realized I just don't have any endurance.  Of course I came home mad.  I should be able to do this.  I should be better than this.  But in the end, the important lesson was that there is no way my body is up to returning to work, no matter how mad I get.

As I laid in bed one night, a few thoughts came to me.  First, when I met with Dr. Cianfrocca on Thursday, I thought she would overwhelm me with information about this next chemotherapy phase.  There is so much to learn.  What should I be eating?  How susceptible will I be to germs and sickness?  What will I feel like?  Yet she didn't.  She explained to process of what she would take me through over the next six months, and answered questions I had, but there wasn't this sudden clear understanding of what I was about to start and how it would affect me.  So as I laid there there thinking about all of this, it hit me--Dr. C was going to get me through this, but if I wanted to embrace it, truly learn about it and understand it, or make changes to my lifestyle, it was going to be up to me.  No one was going to give me all the answers about cancer or chemotherapy or hold my hand and walk me through this.  The information is out there.  Friends have sent me books, the cancer center has on line resources and classes available, but that isn't Dr. C's job--it's mine.  Then, with all the clarity in the the world, I closed my eyes to go to sleep knowing these days when I am still too weak to return to work need to be spent learning everything I can about this next phase.  My priorities suddenly were clear.

I've spent some time dealing with work issues from home, but now it's about learning and cancer, which have to be my priorities.  I received the best book in the mail today from my friends Heidi and Troy.  It's called Eating Well Through Cancer.  I first saw it in the exam room at the cancer center and thought it looked great.  I learned great information to help me even for Thursday.  So that is my new mission--read and research to understand as much as I possibly can about the chemo phase.  Work is going well without me.  My team is absolutely incredible and our projects are rolling along.  There is not much I could add at this point.  I have been out of work for three weeks now, which is longer than I anticipated, but in reality, it's only been two weeks since I was released from the hospital.  I've had wonderful visitors, beautiful flowers and super nice gifts.  People have cared so much.  Now it's time for me to use my energy and stay focused on what really matters, learning how to get well.