So Much Has Happened........

4/9/13--Tuesday--Day 178--Two Guardian Angels Looking Out For Me!

Thank you, my friends, for hanging in there with me.  I know I haven't posted in almost a month. So much has happened, not just with my cancer, but with other parts of my life.  I've had three chemo treatments since my last post--chemo #7, #8 and #9.  My feet have become numb to the point of possibly postponing my next treatment.  My body also seems to be having harsher reactions to the Taxol as it builds up in my system.  My exhaustion level is so much greater now as well.  In addition, for the last three weeks, the health of my 99 year old grandmother, with whom I was very close, declined and she finally passed away the evening of April 6th, exactly two months prior to her 100th birthday.

First, let me backtrack to my chemo treatments.  My dad joined us for the day for chemo #7.  Before we started infusion, I had an appointment with Dr. Cianfrocca.  I was glad my dad had the opportunity to meet her.  He had met Dr. Matt and Dr. Byrum in the hospital during my surgeries but this was his first time meeting Dr. C, who has also treated his and my mom's best friend, Wanda, who lives down the street from them in Cottonwood.

For chemo #7 on 3/21/13, Cheryl was gone so I had a different nurse.  She changed a few routines and I had a reaction during treatment.  We had to laugh because this was the second time my dad had come to chemo and both times I had reactions.  On that day, the nurse decided to push the Pepcid instead of dripping it.  That means she injected it in the IV line instead of dripping it through an IV bag over a 15 minute period.  Injecting it quickly caused dizziness and a headache.  Once the Taxol started, about 30 minutes into the treatment, I had another reaction.  She stopped it for a little bit until it passed and then started it at a slower rate.  I seemed to be fine until she tried to bump it back up faster and the reaction returned, so we slowed it down once again.

Someone asked me what it means when I say I have a reaction and what does a chemo reaction feel like?  There are two ways to describe it.  First, think of a time when you were super scared and experienced an adrenaline rush.  Your senses become overactive and you feel tingly all through your body.  Imagine having that feeling for 20+ minutes.  I think that's why I have to sleep after a reaction.  My body is just exhausted.  I would also describe it as what it must feel like to have ice cold water shot through your veins.  You feel a cold, tingly sensation that starts at one end of your body and runs all the way through.  Reactions sometimes come with extreme dizziness and a headache as well.  Once the reaction subsides, my body feels exhausted and I just need to close my eyes.  Usually by the time I leave chemo I am okay, but my body is tired.

The Saturday following chemo #7, my 99 year old grandmother was put in a Hospice home for the second time in a month.  She had been healthy and mostly independent until recently.  She was diagnosed with cancer in her stomach just a few months before my diagnosis.  She underwent 25 sessions of radiation like a champ.  They called her the iron lady and she left no room for any whining from me when I go through it. While the radiation shrunk the tumor in her tummy, it had grown back and was causing problems again.  So on Sunday, we made another trip to Phoenix to visit her.  She was already recovering and feeling better and we spent most of the day outside on the porch at the Hospice house visiting.  By Sunday afternoon however, my feet were becoming more numb and I had lost much of my energy by the time we headed for home.  I had trouble even walking to the car and slept most of the way home.

For chemo #8 on 3/28/13, my sister, Sharon, and her husband, Harry, from Michigan had come come to town due to my grandmother's declining health so they joined us at chemo.  My feet had recovered some from the weekend, but were still getting a little more intense on the numbness.  Cheryl was back.  She also injected the Pepcid instead of dripping it because the symptoms I described from the last chemo were not known side effects of Pepcid.  She injected the Pepcid slowly, over a 3 minute period, but once again, shortly after my head started spinning.  She did some more in-depth research and sure enough, less than one percent of patients experience dizziness as a side effect of Pepcid.  Just after she read that, I explained my headache, which had lodged between my right eyelid and the bridge of my nose. Sure enough, once again, less than one percent of patients have sudden and severe headaches shortly after receiving Pepcid.  We waited the 30 minutes required after the Pepcid before starting the Taxol.  She ran the Taxol at 150, the slower rate we had been using all this time, but my body reacted once again.  She stopped it and within 20 minutes, the reaction subsided.  When she restarted it, she ran it at an even slower rate, 125, and I was able to finish with no reactions.

I didn't recover well from chemo #8.  Greg took me home Thursday night after seeing my grandma who had been released from her second Hospice house because she was doing so much better.  On the way home, I just didn't feel well.  All day Friday I could barely muster up enough energy to cook, eat, and clean up before returning back to the recliner.  I had lots of plans to do many little projects around the house, but my body wasn't cooperating.  Brooklyn was on spring break in Dallas with her aunt.  I did manage to work to rearrange her flight so she could fly to Phoenix on Sunday instead of back to Idaho so she could see her great-grandmother for Easter.  Saturday morning I had a little more energy, but not much.  Most of the morning I stayed down, not having the energy to do much.  By early afternoon, I felt a little better.  I wanted to make iced sugar cookies to take to my dad, my grandma, and my aunt for Easter Sunday the next morning.  That was a lot of work, but it was so very important to me.  Easter was my mom's favorite holiday and she was the queen of iced sugar cookies.  I wanted to make them to honor her and because they are also my dad and grandma's favorite cookie.  Thank goodness I seemed to have more energy Saturday afternoon than I had had since before chemo.  With the help of God, I made cookies in honor of my mother and our first Easter without her, and for my grandmother, who absolutely loves them.

We headed to Mesa Easter morning.  Greg and I spent a wonderful Easter with my grandma, my dad, my Aunt Mary, my sister Sharon and brother-in-law Harry, Preston, and Brooklyn.  Earlier in the day, my two cousins were there, Aunt Mary's sons Jeff and Sean.  Later in the day my wonderful niece, Jennifer, and her two boys joined us as well.  Strength-wise, it was a really hard day for me.  Me feet had become progressively worse and my energy level was shot.  It is SO very hard to want to do what you usually do to jump in and help, but not have the physical strength or endurance to really even move much.  I enjoyed most of the day from the couch with my feet up and my head back, but I was happy to be there.  My grandmother said it was the best day ever, and she smiled and laughed and enjoyed every moment.  My daughter, who thought it would be the worst Easter ever because she would be away from us, had one of the her best Easters because she got to be home with family.

Chemo #9 came the Thursday following Easter.  This time my daughter Brooklyn, who was home for the week from college in Idaho, joined me.  It was nice to have her there.  She has been away at school for all of the cancer stuff and has felt badly not being here to support me.  During chemo, Cheryl was my nurse again and we decided to step back and completely do everything as slow as possible.  We dripped the Pepcid over 15 minutes and I had no reactions.  That was nice.  We slowed the Taxol to 125, and while that extended the chemo time from 1 hour to 2.5 hours, I had no reactions! Yay!  So that was the secret.  We were simply going to have to go super slow with everything to avoid reactions at this point.

My sister was going to join me for chemo again, but my grandmother had had a bad night so she was staying to help my aunt.  We went to my Aunt Mary's house after chemo, like always, but this time my grandmother looked like a completely different person.  I was truly shocked.  I stayed with her, held her hand and talked to her until the transport came to move her back to a Hospice house for the third and what I knew was the final time.  Once she was settled in her new room, I spent the evening by her side along with Greg, Brooklyn, Aunt Mary, Dad, and Sharon and Harry.  The shock of how quickly she had declined was confirmed when there was a shift change.  The night staff came in and introduced themselves.  Aunt Mary recognized Alec and said, "Hi Alec.  Alec is one of the nurses who cared for grandma before."  Three weeks prior Alec loved visiting with my grandma when she was first put in this Hospice facility.  Alec didn't recognize grandma as she starred at the woman in the bed.  Aunt Mary stood up and walked to the bed, and suddenly Alec gasped, put her hand over her heart, and said, "Emma!  It's my sweet Emma!" when she finally realized the lady in the bed she was staring at was grandma, this vibrant  lovable, amazing woman she had cared for three weeks ago.  Goosebumps came over my body as I watched her sudden reaction and shock.  That's just how much grandma had changed physically in just a few short days.

The next morning, my exhaustion level was incredibly high again, but I spend the morning in a chair with my feet up by my grandmother's side as she was finally resting peacefully.  Unfortunately, by early afternoon, I hit that exhaustion wall again and I could stay no longer.  I was so incredibly lucky though.  My grandmother woke up for the first time all day.  She instantly knew who I was calling me by name and we talked, smiled, hugged and truly said our heart-felt good-byes.  I knew it was going to be the last time I saw her.  I had a strong feeling she would pass the next day, Saturday.  She told me, "You're going to make it through this Susan, I know you will" meaning the cancer and I confirmed with her that I would.  She then said she loved me with all of her heart and I told her the same.  Being her wonderfully polite self, she thanked me for the sugar cookies and smiled and told me how much she loved them.  I was fighting the tears as I held her and looked into her eyes seeing her kind soul.  Between the exhaustion and my emotions, the tears finally started flowing down my check as she and I said good-bye to each other for the final time.  I moved to the chair out of her sight as I could no longer keep myself from crying.  Brooklyn and Greg spent time telling her goodbye as well. Walking out of that room was one of the hardest things, but my body had truly had it and I knew I had to go home and rest.  Saturday and Sunday we had an event in Tucson that we could not cancel and as much as I wanted to be with grandma, I also knew it was time for her to have her children at her side and Aunt Mary and my dad would be there where she needed them.  Saturday night at 11:45 she took her last breath with Aunt Mary at her side, like always, as she went to heaven to join her husband, her son, Dick, my mom, my sister, Sandra, my cousin, Cheryl, all of her siblings and so many more who have passed before her.  I love her so much and will miss her dearly.  She and my mom were the two most important women in my life, and I lost both of them within 8 months at a time in my life when I needed them both so much.

I went back to Mesa Sunday evening and spend the evening and the next morning with my Aunt Mary, my dad, and my sister and brother-in-law.  I needed to be by family and wish I had not had to leave Friday.  But like the last 15 years, my Aunt Mary stood strong by my grandmother's side as she left this world.  Aunt Mary is a saint.  She has been by her dad's side as he died, and now by her mom's.  She was with her brother and my mom as they died, and was with her partner, Bill as he died.  She had dedicated the last 15 years of her life to taking care of her mother.  My dad has been there to help relieve her, especially this past year, and they both have so much to be proud of in being there for their mother every single time she needed anything.

I returned to work today.  I am strongly considering postponing chemo #10 scheduled for Thursday because my feet have become much worse.  I will make the final decision tomorrow.  My co-worker, Carol, asked if it could be related to the amount of stress I'm under.  I hadn't thought about that until she said it, but it is possible.  When I had to postpone chemo #6, it was the week my grandmother went in to the first Hospice house and the week we had to accept that the end was more near than we had hoped.  Now the second time the numbness is worse is this stressful week of losing her.  Hmmm, it's a thought.  Who knows?  The numbness this time is on the bottom of my feet rather than fully concentrated in my toes.  It feels like that burning, stinging feeling you get when you slap your hand really hard on something.  My left foot also feels like there is a large blister on the back part of my arch.  I keep asking Greg to find it and pop it because I swear it's there, but he keeps saying there is nothing.  We will see how they feel tomorrow and make the decision of whether to cancel this Thursday or not.

As this has all ended, I am going to believe the circle of bad events has come to a close.  My grandmother died on April 6th, exactly two months, to the day, prior to her 100th birthday.  But April 6th is also the day that one year ago, I had my foot surgery that ended up turning into RSD.  So April 6th, 2012 started the chain reaction of bad events and I am going to believe that April 6th, 2013 has closed that circle.  With my mom and now my grandma both up in heaven, my life surely has to be even more blessed with two Guardian Angels looking out for me.