(Revised) Chemo #2 and Pretty In Pink Party Both HUGE Successes.........

2/11/13--Monday--Day 121--My Beauty Will Come From Inside Out.

Raw video footage is now uploaded at www.lindseyfamily.com/cancer  This includes Brooklyn's video, the blue mohawk video, the slide show of Susan Support Team photos and all three live streaming videos.  We will be working on creating the editied Pretty in Pink video for a little while.

Also, I totally forgot to blog about the balloon release on Sunday and it's a story that must be told.  If you've already read the blog, skip to the Sunday morning paragraph for the update.
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So much has happened since my last post--my second chemo, the Pretty in Pink party, my new bald appearance.  I'll start with chemo #2 from last Thursday.

We first went to the lab where they accessed my port and did the blood work.  While waiting for the lab results, we stopped in the Bouquet of Hope to look at scarfs.  I picked out a few head caps but still have a bunch to figure out about using a scarf.  The caps looked great with my hair but I wasn't too excited at the thought of them with no hair.  While in the shop, I ran into a woman who had lymphedema.  While I only saw her hand, wrist and part way up her forearm, I was completely shocked.  Her arm was so severely swollen it literally wrinkled over her hand at the wrist.  She was there looking for a compression sleeve to try to help.  She said she thought the lymphedema had become much worse from the airplane ride over.  It truly scared me and made me realize how quickly lymphedema could happen and how awful it could be.  She had never seen Leona, the lymphedema specialist, and didn't know anything about lymphatic massage so I suggested she look into making an appointment.  After that, now more than ever, I'm committed to following Leona's suggestions to helps me avoid lymphedema.

When we ventured up to the 3rd floor and went back to the chemo area, I was given to Cheryl, my nurse from last week.  She said she saw me on the schedule and requested me.  That made me feel good and was really nice because she was familiar with the bad reaction I had had last week and knew the plan we had set to slow things down.  We started with the Dexamethasone, the steroid to prevent reactions.  That is given in an IV drip for 15 minutes.  This time, instead of then shooting in the Benadryl and Pepcid all at once, we did another 15 minute IV drip with those two drugs.  That was immediately better.  No dizziness, minimal reaction, and no suddenly feeling drunk.  This was good.  After that finished, we only had to wait 15 minutes before starting the Taxol (chemo) because the 30 minute wait is between the Dexamethasone and the chemo.  The chemo I receive, Taxol, is supposed to take just about an hour to infuse.  Cheryl slowed it way down causing it to take about 2.5 hours.  But once again, it was great.  I had no sleepy reaction, no numbing, very little reaction at all.  In fact, Greg had planned to pick up our car that was getting some work done once I "conked out" and be back before I woke, but I never really even felt sleepy.  The only bad part of the whole experience is that the whole process from lab to finish now takes 5 hours instead of 3, but it was so worth it.  So that was it.  We started at 10:30 AM and were leaving by 3:30 PM heading home with me relaxed, but not knocked out or hallucinating.

Thursday night our friends Mike and Suzie from Albuquerque came and Friday morning my dad, Preston and Yuri came to help us prepare for the Pretty in Pink party Saturday.  I relaxed most of the day Friday in between doing small tasks trying to make sure I was well rested for the busy Saturday.  With everyone's help, the house was cleaned, some additional food was prepared, beds were made for some of our out-of-town company coming, and we even make 50 plus Kisses of Hope goodie bags to give out to those who came to the party.

The real fun started Saturday as the house filled with people who had worked hard to make this Pretty in Pink Party perfect.  Greg was amazing directing our family and friends in all of the necessary tasks to get things ready for a houseful of people.  Carol Elders and Stephanie Saldana came at 9 AM with all the wonderful decorations and goodies.  They had worked hard planning everything.  With the help of Yuri, they transformed the house into a pink palace of inspiration and support.  Our friends Paul and Diane came from Phoenix and immediately jumped in helping with food and setup.  Friends from Tucson, John, Jennifer, Michelle and her kiddos came bringing a huge tub of Egees!  Suzie, my Albuquerque friend and personal hair dresser, trained and prepared the Pink Out crew--Mike painted pink ribbon glitter tattoos, Rebecca Richins, Cheyanne Allred and Yuri learned to tie pink bling in hair and chalk hair, and helped with decorating nails.

Many who couldn't make it that afternoon for the party came earlier in the day to show support.  Natalie Reynolds from the middle school came and gave me an amazing poster the middle school had printed of the wonderful support photos from the school's Pink Out day.  She also presented me with a beautiful quilt made by Denise Crocket.  What an amazing gift.  A knock on the door brought bags and bags of balloons sent from Sandra Griffith Carpenter, one of my former newspaper editors, along with a note that brought me to tears.  My dad brought me a bouquet of pink carnations, my mom's favorite flowers, and Randall, my father-in-law, brought beautiful pink roses.  One of the most special gifts of the day was having Vikki "Mouse" (Vikki Colvin McIntyre) come from Tempe to photograph the special event.  Vikki has been a part of our lives for more than 20 years since she was in high school and was one of my newspaper editors.  She is an amazing photographer now and to have her photograph this moment in my journey was heart-touching.  The scene was truly set for an amazing evening.

By afternoon the house started to swarm with people as 4 PM came and went.  Even a friend from high school, Les Duncan, came from Phoenix to surprise me.  Wonderful friends continued to flow in, some whom I haven't seen in years.  Though I tried to stay seated as much as possible, every few moments brought new waves of more wonderful friends who came to stand by my side and support me.

Just before the party started, Greg set up a live streaming video feed which we advertised on our Facebook pages.  Suddenly, people from everywhere could join the party live.  Thanks to our iPad holders, Carol, Duane Richins, and Lily, our friends from across the nation joined the party live.  Our star videographer for the streaming video feed became Nicole Lunt.  She is Wanda Evan's daughter who came to support me since her mother couldn't be there.  Nicole had been key in getting a lot of the Susan Support Team photos from around town, and, like her mother does, she immediately stepped in and made a huge difference in this event.  She made the video stream great for the viewers, and we really appreciated her jumping in at the last minute.

By 5, most everyone had been "Pinked Out" with bling or tattoos or hair color or nails or all of the above, so we went out back on the hill to take a group photo.  That's when I realized there were more than 50 people there!  It was an amazing feeling of love and support.  From there, Greg ushered everyone to the back playroom to make an announcement.  He and Preston had been working on a surprise most of the day, in between doing everything else.  He started by announcing what I call the Blue Mohawk video that had originally inspired me to make a video.  A sister in cancer, Tina Richards from Boise, had made a video of when she shaved her head.  My neighbor, Gayrene Claridge, had originally shared the video with me. Greg introduced Tina's video and showed it explaining we wanted to make shaving my head inspirational for others as well.  Then, he made us all cry.  He announced that Brooklyn, my daughter who is in college in Boise, had made a video for me, and with the help of Preston editing it together, he wanted to show it since she couldn't be there in person.  Brooklyn was following the live stream and watched as we all broke into tears.  Her video started with a short introduction with her in her pink wig.  Just hearing her cute, sweet voice and personality lit up the room while bringing tears to many of us.  Then, it went to pictures.  The first picture was of her and said, "Not just me....". The second was of her and Trina, my best friend in Idaho with whom Brooklyn is living, and said, "Not just us......". And the third picture was of three hands all clasped together with three breast cancer support bracelets and said, "but the three of us, can you guess who...." and then, there she was.  The fourth picture was of Brooklyn and Trina with Tina Richards from the Blue Mohawk video.  Brooklyn had found the lady who made this video and met with her to do a photo shoot to be part of Brooklyn's video.  There she was with what you might call a surrogate for what I am facing.  It was a real connection for Brooklyn and I both.  She suddenly had a person to give her hugs to and seeing that made me actually feel them, knowing they were for me.  It was amazing and silly and crazy just in the way only Brooklyn can do.  And mostly, it made her be right there, right with us, right in the room. (Brooklyn's video, the Blue Mohawk video, the support picture video that we showed throughout the party on the TV's, and the live streaming videos can all be seen at www.lindseyfamily.com/cancer  When the Pretty in Pink video of the party is ready, I'll post it in the blog but it will be a week or so out still).  I can't thank Tina enough.  Brooklyn loved meeting her and I feel like I know her already.

So after the videos and a short break to dry tears, we were ready.  It was time to cut my hair.  As Suzie was getting ready, Greg re-entered the room as only Greg can.  He wore a long pink wig, pink star Elton-John-like sunglasses, and of course, his pink speedo.  It all matched his pink toenails and fingernails.   It was the perfect tension-breaker.  Suzie pulled out a beautiful new pink cape, pink spray bottle and pink comb while I announced our intention to do the cutting in three stages.  I was determined not to cry and felt strong as long as I didn't think about what we were actually about to do.

Through the first cut, which took my hair from about four inches below my shoulders to about ear level, I never looked at the ground.  I knew if I did, I couldn't stay strong.  There were fifty people in the room watching, and I knew they would take their cues from me and my reactions.  Greg and others kept me laughing and when the first style was finished, everyone applauded and said they LOVED my hair short.  My hair hasn't been that short since eighth grade when my sister Sharon was in beauty school and I was her practice dummy, but it actually didn't look as bad as I thought.

We immediately moved to the next cut, which was just going to be a few inches long.  Between Greg, and Preston, and my friends Diane, Mike and Michelle, someone continually held my hand, which helped a ton.  Once again, that style pleased the crowd as everyone commented on how my eyes and check bones suddenly popped out.  Now they were taking bets that I would never go back to long hair again after this.  I still had not looked at the floor, but when I looked in the mirror, I was relieved to see my head was not quite as big as I had imagined and my face did not look super fat like I had feared.

Now was the final step--shaving it almost completely off.  We were told to leave about 1/4 of an inch to keep it from itching and getting infected.  There were no more scissors--only clippers now as Suzie "buzzed" me into the last and final stage.  She completed the back before ending with the front and that was it.  It was all gone.  I still had not looked at the ground and didn't intend to.  As they quickly cleaned up the floor, I kept my big smile and happy attitude as I took my first pictures with family and friends and little or no hair.  When I looked in the mirror, I was surprised by how much darker my hair was than I had been wearing it.  I have been coloring my hair for almost a decade to escape the gray that continued to creep in.  My brown color was a contrast to the darker brownish black that lay against my scalp now.  It didn't matter.  It was done.  And everyone was super supportive and encouraging telling me I was beautiful and that my eyes were even more amazing now.  Whether it was the truth or a lie, it was definitely what I needed to hear so I was glad.  After more pictures, everyone wanted to see the caps I had bought and my wig so I tried those on.  Then I spent the rest of the evening just in my bare head.  That was the best thing ever.  Spending the evening in front of more than fifty people with my "bald" head immediately got me passed the fear of facing people and the public bald.  It did exactly what I needed it to.

As the evening came to a close, thank goodness for Susie Case, Carole Brady, and the friends staying the night.  They did an amazing job cleaning up and un-decorating.  I don't know what I would have done without them as I was physically reaching my limits.  It had been an incredibly busy three days.  I was still on an emotional high as midnight approached.  We had a poker game going and a couple of tables of Wahoo while I most sat in the recliner watching.  I didn't want to go to bed.  I knew once I let myself come down from the high, reality of what we had done would set in.  But by 1:45 AM, it could no longer be avoided.  We headed upstairs to bed and just as I feared, it all hit me.  As I started to brush my teeth, I broke down in tears.  I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror.  I cried and turned off the light so I didn't have to see myself.  I was a wreck.  As we started the evening, I was a normal-looking person who happened to have cancer.  Now, as I ended the day, I suddenly looked like a sick person.  Before I had cancer, but I looked normal.  Now, I look like I have cancer.  Greg, Mike and Suzie tried their best to comfort me, but it was hard.  I climbed into bed and laid my shaved head on my pillow for the first time.  It was pokey and cold and just felt completely wrong so I cried some more.  Greg held me and tried to reassure me.  It was just hard.

I woke up throughout the night as my head was really, really cold.  That would be one thing we would have to change--I obviously needed a stocking cap in which to sleep.  The next morning I woke feeling more sick than I've ever felt so far.  My body was exhausted, I was trembling and I was limp.  Suddenly I didn't care how my hair looked anymore.  I staggered into the shower hoping it would make me feel better.  Wow, do I shampoo my head?  Do I condition it?  It was strange.  I almost beat Greg out of the shower.  I got dressed and tried on several of the caps I had purchased.  All seemed to instantly give me a headache except for one--a beautiful pink hand-woven cap given to me by Irene at the party.  Her friend had made it and it was my new very best friend.  I didn't need the cap for looks, though it was exquisit, but I needed it to keep me warm.  I headed downstairs and my energy was gone.  I collapsed in the recliner trying to visit with all of the company as Mike, Preston, and Yuri cooked breakfast for everyone.  The thought of food was nauseating though I finally managed to get down some eggs.

After breakfast, and before everyone left, we decided to do a balloon release.  The note that came with the balloons Sandra sent the previous day talked about protecting someone by imagining them wrapped in a pink bubble safe away from harm.  So we all proceeded outside to let the balloons go free as we lifted up our individual thoughts and prayers for my recovery.  We had a huge bouquet of balloons for me to release and everyone else had several to release as well.  From the back yard, up they went--all but mine that is!  Like everything else with this stupid cancer, it had to be difficult--funny, but difficult.  Sure enough, the huge bundle I released went straight up and caught on the electrical lines that run behind our house.  Of course!  The wind was swirling just enough to quickly wrap several of the balloons tightly around the lines.  Great.  Now what.  Have no fear, Greg my hero is here!  Out he came with a huge PVC pipe and over the fence he went and up onto the neighbor's storage shed with is large pipe in hand.  He worked trying to convince the balloons to release, but with no success.  Plan B included my large serrated bread knife taped to the end.  Once again he began prodding the balloon bundle to leave.  As the knife finally cut through the strings, the bundle released and quickly rose into the sky.  By then the other balloons were barely visible as they had circled back around in the high altitude.  Who else could have pulled that off?  The only thing that would have made it perfect is if Greg had been in his pink speedo outfit from the previous day.  We stood and watched the bundle until it was out of site and all laughed and my ingenious husband.  The symbolism of how crazy and mixed up this cancer diagnosis has been from the very beginning was perfect.

After returning inside, I felt myself getting much worse.  It was either a reaction from the chemo or exhaustion from the days before or a mixture of both.  The expected chemo diarrea had started again leaving me feeling even more empty and by the time the last group left, I could barely crawl up the stairs and into bed.  I slept five hours non-stop, got up to eat a bite and went back to bed for another eight hours.  I had no idea what Monday would bring, but I knew the weekend couldn't have been better, even though I was sick on Sunday.

Monday morning I woke much more refreshed and actually fine with how my head looked.  Getting ready to go to work I found dressing to be the new challenge.  I have never had to worry about how the neckline of my clothes looked because the collar and neck have always been hidden by my hair.  Each outfit I tried on looked odd to me because of the neckline.  Four outfits later, I finally settled on one that looked "normal".  Maybe I'll invest in some neck scarfs until I can get used to this neckline and collar stuff.

As for my head, I put a lot of thought into how I was going to go to work the first day after my party.  Should I wear my wig?  Should I wear a cap or a scarf?  After worrying and wondering for days and day, the party made it clear to me.  By being in front of so many people already, I didn't have any hesitation about being seen in public or by people with my "bald" head.  I knew I was going to spend my first day at work as I was--bald.  I wore my pink cap to keep my head warm as I went to the office, but once inside, I pulled it off and spent most of the day as I was.

Was that the right choice?  If I wasn't going to wear my wig, why did I buy it?  Here is what I decided.  I want to be comfortable on a daily basis.  I don't want to be ashamed.  I don't want to feel like I have to hide.  I have cancer--it's no secret.  Just as I've said from the beginning, I don't want there to be any awkwardness about it.  It is what it is.  So in the workplace and on a daily basis, I will probably be bare-headed or with a cap or scarf.  If there is a more formal event or I go somewhere where people don't already know I have cancer, I may wear my wig, we'll have to see.  I know five weeks ago, those were not my feelings at all and picking a wig under which I could hide was the most important thing.  I was going to wear my wig and pretend everything was normal.  But interestingly now, my life is not normal.  It is completely changed and I am completely changed.  I may no longer be pretty with long hair to compliment my outside appearance but a wig isn't really going to change that.  Instead, what I know is my beauty will come from the inside out.  Those who know me will continue to see the beauty I hold within me as it lights up my eyes, my face and my spirit and that really has very little to do with what's on top of my head.