So THIS is Chemo......

5/8/13--Wednesday--Day 207--A Little Better, A Whole Lot Worse

Well I made it through Tuesday at work without making a complete fool of myself.  Though I am still foggy and dazed, at least I can focus, concentrate and produce, so that's good.  I am still scared of this feeling though.  It's funny because sometimes it intensifies in waves.  I had to make a trip to the high school yesterday to check on a project.  Carol was going to drive and as we were walking to her car, that fogginess intensified.  I just kept thinking to myself, "Wow, I can't imagine coming to work impaired like this on purpose."  I am thankful I can still focus and work through it so it's more of an annoyance than an impediment.  I want to keep working.  That's important, especially this time of year.

As for eating, that's still a trip.  I tried scrambled eggs with cheese and toast yesterday morning--nothing.  No hunger, no taste, no reason to eat.  I just stayed at work and worked through lunch; no reason to have Greg come get me to eat when there is absolutely no desire.  It's like my whole body is numb--my taste buds, my tongue, my stomach, my mind, my skin.  It's just weird.  I'm trying to be "responsible" and make myself eat because my mind, while having no hunger, knows you're "supposed" to eat to stay healthy.  I certainly would love to just fast for the next three months and lose all the extra weight while the desire is gone, but that's obviously not such a good idea.

Last night, Preston came home for a week between finals and moving into full-time hours at work so we went to Casa Manana, one of my favorite Mexican places, for dinner.  Surely that would wet my appetite.  I'm sure the food was probably great, but I couldn't taste Mexican either.  Funny, we went through a bottle and a half of hot sauce without my mouth burning even a little, lol.  Of course the next problem is when your tummy and appetite are numb, you don't know when to STOP eating either.  You don't feel hungry, but you don't feel full--you just don't feel.  So imagine me sitting there--"hmmmm, wonder if I should stop eating now? I'm not hungry; I'm not full; have I even eaten anything?"  It's pretty crazy.

So besides the fogginess, besides the numbness, and besides the food issue, last night we got the first swelling too.  That was fun.  My ankles were/are huge!  Thank goodness I had taken off my rings, at least on my right hand, because my right hand and arm are huge.  That's even scarier because is it the chemo meds, is it the steroids, which I assume since my ankles are huge too, or is it lymphedema finally developing since my right arm is bigger than my left?  I look like the Pillsbury Dough Girl exploding with puffiness and swelling, I swear.  I wasn't sure I was even going to fit into my clothes this morning.

So that's the latest.  Figured I would finish and publish my update here during lunch since I certainly wasn't going out for lunch.  Thank you so much to those of you continuing to follow my journey.  That is so important right now.  I'm scared and afraid and feel crazy out of control but I really appreciate those of you continuing to send words of encouragement.  You have been a great support system hanging in there with me.  This phase continues to be rough and I have leaned on all the wonderful words you have sent.  Thank you.  I told someone earlier today, "Oh, so THIS is chemo!"  I don't know what the last 12 weeks have been, but so far, this has second phase has been a whole lot worse.  Sorry if I've been too negative.  Sometimes it helps to vent.  I'll get it together soon :)