Focusing on the Right Perspective............

2/6/13--Wednesday--Day 116--It's Not What You Have to Go Through, But How You Look at It

As of today, I'm down to about two days of having my hair.  Interestingly, since planning the Pretty in Pink party, I haven't cried at all about losing my hair.  Talk about the perfect diversion.  That is good because I cried for about a week during December every morning when I would sit and curl my hair. It's been easier since using my hair loss as an inspiration for others facing this same thing.  Making the Pretty in Pink video, with the help of my family and friends and many supporters has been the perfect distraction.

On Friday, I found out the entire middle school and all three of our elementary schools, Dorothy Stinson, Lafe Nelson, and Ruth Powell had a Pink Out day in my name.  They took wonderful pictures decked out in pink holding Susan's Support Team signs.  When I first heard, it brought me to tears.  How wonderful to have people rally around me in support of fighting breast cancer.  It makes losing my hair so small in comparison to the awesomeness of such amazing support.  I am so grateful for the teachers and administrators who organized this and helped students relate to me as the "lady responsible for the computers."

The Pretty in Pink pictures have continued to come in.  I am amazed at how many of my former students have followed my blog and stayed super supportive through this.  Some of my former yearbook editors and staff members, newspaper editors and staff members, even some of my former English students have all sent pictures.  I am humbled at the thought that I made such a difference in their lives that they care about what I'm facing more than a decade later.  Even Preston's Devil Dancesport group all dressed in pink and took a support picture.  Luckily it was planned for tonight and I was able to stop by since we came to Mesa a day early.  I stood in front of those young adults and told my story of wanting to inspire others as they faced hair loss and thanked them for helping me create this video.

My neighbors, Gayrene Claridge and her daughter Kristi Fertig (one of my former newspaper editors), painted a tree trunk in my honor.  It is completely pink with a pink ribbon painted on it.  As people come to the party and pass the tree, they will have the opportunity to stop and sign it.  That was really cool and I was so impressed they took the time and effort to do that to show their support!

I hate the thought of Saturday coming and losing my hair, but I am excited for everyone to come and be a part of the support system.  I told someone losing my hair may seem insignificant in the bigger picture of things, but it would be like if you had to go to work with your belly fat showing.  We all "hide" our imperfections like belly fat, so think for a minute what it would be like to know, starting Saturday, you had to go everywhere, work, the store, out to eat, with your belly fully exposed.  That's the best comparison I can make as to how I'm feeling about going out bald.  Yes, I have an awesome wig, but I've heard from so many people that it just isn't comfortable and you end up not wearing it.  We are going to the Boutique of Hope at the Cancer Center tomorrow after labs and before chemo to learn how to wrap a scarf and maybe purchase a couple.  My friend Wanda Evans gave me some, but I haven't had the nerve to look at them yet.  Guess I'll work with those some on Friday.

I've been a bit frustrated with the fatigue I'm experiencing.  This afternoon, for example, we planned to stop at a few stores on our way in to town.  I made it through one store for about thirty minutes and then my body became possessed.  I grew flush, which Greg immediately noticed.  I started sweating.  The whole store was spinning.  I finally had to go to the car while Greg checked out.  It makes me so angry.  I should be able to take a few breaths and get through it, but it just takes over my body completely.  I so want to have mind over matter, but no matter how much I want that, my head becomes totally foggy and I get dizzy and I'm just done.  I can't figure out if it is still from the surgery three weeks ago or from the chemo last week or both.  Needless to say, we didn't make any more stops.  Greg started driving and I fell asleep instantly.

In spite of the physical and mental challenges, I was still able to work two full days and one half day this week, so that is good.  Thank goodness the dizziness is not an issue at work because my job is sitting at a desk so when the dizzy spells happen, I just put my head back and continue to work.

Last night I did decide coming over to Mesa the night before chemo is probably not such a good idea.  I grew anxious and realized it lengthens the "chemo experience" to a two day event instead of one.  I told Greg through, a couple of tears, I didn't want to do chemo again.  I've done it once and I know what it is now and I'm done.  I was really dreading it when all of a sudden, he put it into better perspective.  "You only have 15 more left," he said.  What?  How did he figure that?  I have six months of this.  But when he stopped and explained, 12 once a week treatments (11 left) and 4 once every three week treatments, it helped--A LOT.  Fifteen.....I can do fifteen.  It won't be fun, but it's doable.  Just like how the Pretty in Pink party has changed my perspective on losing my hair, I was grateful for Greg's perspective and realized it's not always about what you have to go through, but how you look at it.