Hairy Scary--Going to Work with No Cap........

7/17/13--Wednesday--Day 277--It's Just A Hair Thing.

As women, the way we look at ourselves physically seems to revolve a lot around either our weight or our hair.  The thought of losing our hair seems unimaginable, at least it was to me.  I remember the hours we spent before I lost my hair trying on wigs to get the perfect one that looked just like my real hair.  It was perfect and I was sure I was going to wear it any time I left the house after I lost my hair so everything would stay normal.  Then, after surgeries, hospital stays, chemo, and hair loss, hair just seems to lose its significance.

Like many others I've heard of, I wore my wig about three times and that was it.  Lots of people have asked me why.  This is really what it is for me.  Once I lost my hair, I had to look in the mirror every morning and every night.  I had to come to terms with what I saw.  I had to be okay with what I was now, knowing it was temporary, but it was what it was.  Every time I put the wig on, it was a constant reminder of what I used to look like, and what I no longer looked like, and what I wish I still looked like.  I became an emotional wreck every time I put it on my head.  You see, it puts in that mirror what you used to look like and you get all excited because you feel "pretty" again.  But the down side is, you feel even uglier when it come off.

One night Greg and I went out to dinner with me wearing the wig.  I felt normal again.  No one around me knew anything and I looked great.  But then, I had to come home and take it off.  As soon as I took it off, and my bald head emerged, I cried all over again.  Each time I put my wig on and then took it off, it was like losing my hair all over again.  It was the one weakness that really got to me.  It was a constant, in-my-face reminder of what pretty hair I used to have and then a sudden jerk back into reality of what I no longer had.  So from that point on, I decided, emotionally, wearing the wig was a bad idea for me.

Instead of a wig, I embraced the idea of creating a whole new look for me.  I bought super cute scarfs and hat all matching my outfits--thank goodness for the Boutique of Hope and Rita!  At first, it was fun to take pictures and send them to my far-away friends each morning.  Hearing back from them lifted my spirits and reassured me that I had created a cute look.  My friends will never know the confidence they helped me build with those text messages.  This look was different than who I used to be, and different than who I may be in the future, but it was who I am now.  It was nice to feel good about who I was at that time rather than focusing on who I used to be or wanted to be.  It didn't take long before I felt "pretty" again.  The cute outfits with matching accessories and matching hats or scarfs made me smile and feel good about how I looked.  I have a nice collection now and have felt very comfortable with my looks.

But I mentioned in my last blog, a week before my last chemo treatment, my hair and eyelashes started to grow somewhat rapidly.  Once I received my last chemo treatment, it stopped, but I didn't lose what had grown.  Just in the last few days, it has started growing once again.  A question kept running through my head, "When will I feel comfortable not wearing a scarf or hat?"  That is a tough questions.  Do you wait until your hair grows long enough to fully cover your head?  When do you take people to the next shock level of seeing you?

Living in Arizona, in July, it is HOT.  Not warm or sort of hot, but downright HOT.  I had started sweating under my hats.  Since I wasn't comfortable showing my bald head, I couldn't take my cap off and wipe my head in front of people, especially at work.  Plus, we were heading to the lake for the weekend.  Up until now, I haven't posted many, if any, picture of myself without a cap of some kind.  But at the lake, how was that going to work?  So as I was packing for the lake trip, I decided to take a cap, but also to try to be brave and not wear it.  If I could get a little sun on my super white head, maybe it would look better.  If it was tan, maybe I would feel better about going without a hat.  I didn't wear a hat at the lake at all.  Greg posted several pictures of us on the lake and it was nice to have friends comment on how good we looked.  It was easier to face it once he posted pictures.  It was actually very liberating not having to worry about a hat all the time.  I just enjoyed my time with my naked head.

After building my confidence over the weekend, Monday morning I woke up determined to just make the switch.  I was going to go to work for the first time with no scarf or cap.  I got ready and headed downstairs.  Greg was really happy I decided to go without a cap, "You look beautiful," he told me reassuringly.  I left the house totally confident and a little excited, but as I got closer to work, my body filled with anxiety.  I called Greg in tears telling him I was turning around to come get my cap.  "You look great.  You'll be fine.  Go.  I'm locking the doors so you can't come back."  I laughed through the tears that were now streaming down my face.  How was I going to do this?  I sat in the parking lot for what seemed like forever.  I just couldn't go inside.  What was I going to say to everyone?  It was going to be a shock to everyone.  After about ten minutes, just as I was deciding to start the car and go back home, a co-worker, Ann, pulled up and got out of her car.  Without even thinking, I jumped out of my car knowing if I could just go inside with someone, it would be easier.  "I'm going for the bald look," I said with a smile.  Ann was so nice.  I confessed that I was scared to go inside alone, so I was glad she had come along.  We walked in together talking as we went.  As I approached the doorway of the tech shop, I joked with the guys telling them to get ready to see me bald because I was going for the capless look.  They were super sweet and joked back with me making me feel much better.  Throughout the morning as different members from the building came in and out of my office, I made a joke each time partly because I was nervous and partly to help break the ice of an awkward situation.  After about the fourth interaction, I was okay.  I had done it.  I was comfortable seeing people with a naked head.  It was a nice relief not to feel like I had to wear a cap.  It was another HUGE step in being okay with who I am now, no matter what I looked like.

So for the last three days, I've gone to work, into meetings with vendors, even out to lunch without anything covering my head other than the soft fuzzy layer of gray and black that is emerging from my scalp.  I SO wish it wasn't showing so much gray.  Everyone said it would come back black and curly, which I was excited about.  Maybe as it fills in more, more black will come and cover the gray.  But honestly, if it doesn't, it will be okay.  As scary as it was,  I'm glad I've overcome this hurdle and realized, It's Just A Hair Thing!