Completely Different Than Expected..........

5/6/13--Day 205--Monday--Panic Mode

I probably shouldn't even be posting tonight, but I decided to record the scary feelings from today.  I thought I was somewhat prepared for the new drugs in my system and what side effects to expect.  I did my research, wrote about them in my blog to help me remember, and went to bed yesterday feeling like I could keep a handle on things over the next few days.  But this morning I woke up with a completely unexpected, strange feeling.  I felt as though I had taken too many cold medications.  My head was groggy and a bit confused, but not too bad. I ate a bowl of cereal which I didn't want and had no taste, but thought it best to start the day with something in my stomach.  I grabbed my nausea pills, which I never needed, and headed to work.

As soon as I started to drive I knew my head wasn't right.  I was dizzy, my vision even seemed blurred, and my head felt even more foggy and not clear.  I was picking up Greg from the tire shop as he dropped off the truck to have the tires rotated.  When he got in the car, I told him I didn't really feel safe driving and thought he should drop me off at work, which he did.

As I walked in to the office, I felt like I was walking in a dream.  I stumbled a bit at the door and decided I probably shouldn't walk much for a bit until I could get my head cleared and focus.  Maybe working on the computer and concentrating would help.  I was able to carry on clear and concise conversations.  I worked with my team as we planned the next two-day project.  I made phone calls, answered emails, and completed my planned list of items to do.  But everything continued to seem somewhat surreal.  By lunch, I wasn't the slightest bit hungry, but decided to have Greg bring me something to eat just in case it would help clear up my head.  It tasted awful and didn't help my head.  Afterwards, I had another meeting, which seemed easy to navigate through, but still, I just wasn't right.

By 3 o'clock, I started to deteriorate even more.  I was now completely frustrated.  I can't work like this!  This is not what I was expecting.  How do you unclear a foggy head?  How am I going to navigate this?  I hadn't read anything anywhere about this being a side effect.  Where was the nausea, the fatigue, even the red flashes I had been experiencing?  This was just completely unexpected.

Shortly after 4 I asked Carol to drive me home.  Maybe I just needed to get in bed and sleep it off.  That's what you do when you take too much cold medication, right?  Maybe that would help with this too.  I went straight up to bed, and while I did rest, I couldn't go to sleep.  My mind kept going and when it was calm, it was still just laying there with me--wide awake.  One hour passed when I looked at the clock.  "Okay, Susan, just lay here some more.  At least you are resting."  Two hours passed--panic had started to set in and I felt like I had to get up, but didn't know what to do if I did.  I asked Greg to come up and be with me for awhile.  What were we going to do?  How was I going to handle this.  He stayed with me for a bit before I got anxious and really needed to get up.  Maybe I needed to be active.  Maybe we should go on a walk.  I went downstairs--it was too dark to go for a walk.  I figured I needed to try and move a bit and maybe that would flush my head out some.  I at least needed to try to focus on something other than laying there trying not to focus.  I decided to sweep and mop the kitchen, which desperately needed to be done.  The more I worked, the more scared I got.  "Just keep going," I thought to myself.  "Get this done and you'll feel better."  I started to cry as I worked.  Nothing was working.  Nothing.

I finished the kitchen floor, dusted the living room, cleaned the toilets.  Greg jumped in and helped by vacuuming, trying hard to help me stay calm.  I snapped at him, which wasn't right.  I felt badly.  He's been so good.  What was wrong with me?  I just kept crying.  I wasn't obsessed, but was trying to do something to make my head clear up.  What were my choices?  I couldn't sit and think about it anymore.  What I did keep thinking about was how am I going to function?  How am I going to work if this doesn't pass quickly?

By the end of tonight, I feel better having cleaned some of the house, but as I head upstairs, I'm scared about what tomorrow will bring.  This is the end of the school year--one of our busiest times.  We are one person down at work already.  We have so much to do.  I have to be able to work.  I don't need to have these emotional cycles or mental interference.  I can handle physical challenges and side effects, but please Lord, get this stuff out of my head.  I don't want to be working in a daze or functioning in panic mode!